The Rant: Trying to Write an Iron Man Review
(He’s telling you: “I’m so cool, I’m not sure if you’re worthy enough to even look at me *judgement eyes*”)
I have long-awaited The Avengers. When it finally comes to the cinema I don’t have time to watch it because of Uni (damn my teachers for making the deadline for all the assignments this week).
To make my life a little bit better I decided to re-watch Iron Man, since I haven’t seen it in quite some time. And to take little bit of an edge off that guilt in my gut I was feeling for not really having done work here this month, I decided to review it. Retro style (represent).
But it was hard. So I stopped. And decided to rant instead. Modern style.
I have to tell you, though, just between you and me, yeah? The film is just as awesome now as it was back then, and it really didn’t do anything at all to help with the almost over-powering sadness in my heart of not being able to see The Avengers right now (even if it is in the middle of the night when I’m writing this).
No, I think I’ll start with the little things, like the appearance of the Captain America shield. Or at the very end when people come across Thor’s hammer (no wait.. that was in Iron Man 2. I admit freely that I didn’t watch until the very end – sue me!) I love watching it back and seeing all those things, all the things that were hinted at, even when no one knew if there ever was going to be an Avengers film or not, or Iron Man 2, or 3 for that matter.
Then there is Tony’s sassiness. Some people (*cough* boring people *cough*) say that Tony is basically just Rubber Ducky Jr.©. I say it is the other way around. Our friend Bobbie, is in fact Tony Stark and everyone is trying to make us believe he doesn’t exist (just like J.K Rowling’s biggest feat was to actually convince people Hogwarts doesn’t exist!). He knows what he’s doing.
When Mr. Stark finally comes back from the desert and he insists on getting a cheeseburger, you know he is a different person. When he sits down in front of all the journalists and takes a bite of that cheeseburger… didn’t you just think: What wouldn’t I do to be that cheeseburger?
No? Maybe that’s just me then. But the answer is: Not a lot.
I have this problem of an ever impending pregnancy (as well as explosive ovaries) whenever Bob breathes on-screen, even despite his miniature stature (1.74m tall he is.. or for you imperial people: 5’8.5”). He’s a powerful man (I think it comes from actually being Stark…
naked). And because of that I can’t save myself for too long, I’ll have to sacrifice myself for the greater good (if you didn’t know, you are the greater good).
When scenes like the one, when he walks in slow motion away from an explosion™, even barricaded in shiny gold-titanium alloy suit of armor, I get weak in the knees. It’s a magical moment. After all, Mr. Downey Jr. is God.
Then of course there is the biggest YOLO moment since sliced bread. When he says: Truth is, *insert the longest dramatic pause in the history of ever (Chris Tarrant would be proud)* I am Iron Man.
Who does that? Robbie in disguise, that’s who! (By the way, the blonde girl there, the reporter, the actress’ name is Bibb. How cool is that?)
And if that’s not enough, just before he did that he fought Jeff Bridges of all people, who thought more was better (totally disregarding van der Rohe’s “Less is More” philosophy). And not only did the gold-titanium alloy-clad man win, but he saved the girl as well!
The plan of making me happier and trying to get over the fact I won’t be able to see The Avengers until sometime next week completely and utterly flopped and has made me even more frustrated.
I want more Tony! I want to watch the gayness that is the Captain and Stark together. I want to see the sadness between the most tragic brothers in the history of ever (even if Loki’s name is technically wrong and Thor is supposed to be a ginger, goddamnit! (I can’t be too mad though, Tom Hiddleston and Chris Hemsworth are just too adorable to be mad at – just see here and here)). I want to see the awesomeness that is the Black Widow. I want to be swept away off my feet by Hawkeye’s brilliant marksmanship. And I want to see the new Hulk. I believe that Mark Ruffalo is, in fact, way better than both Eric Bana and Edward Norton combined.
The cast is so beautiful that I want them to die, just to stop me from suffering. Of course I’m exaggerating. I don’t want them to die, I want to have their babies.
But until then, I guess I have to settle for Iron Man alone – who is brilliant. The T man built an Iron Man suit from scrap metal in the desert with tons of very stereotypical Afghan terrorists just behind *that* door.
Who else can do that? Possibly RDJ.