They say the night is darkest just before the dawn. That couldn’t be more fitting, as before we can move on to what many consider the best X-Men film, we must make a pit stop for X-Men Origins: Wolverine. There’s no need to put it up for debate. This is an absolutely horrible film that nobody should watch. Let’s grit our teeth and get this over with.

A prequel to the X-Men trilogy, X-Men Origins: Wolverine follows our resident clawed mutant and the series of events that turned him into the amnesiac berserker we know and love. Well, loved.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPmbGzQaOCs]

This, ladies and gentlemen, is where the X-Men franchise hits rock bottom. Director Gavin Hood and scribes David Benioff and Skip Woods do everything in their power to bury Wolverine, and the X-Men name, under mountains of crap. Sifting through said crap only yields more stinky, horrible crap.

Every character is a joke. Not a ‘ha-ha’ joke, but an ‘Oh God why?’ joke. Woods and Benioff cram the film with useless characters, only to massacre them moments later. Nobody matters. But none of the characters, or rather cannon fodder, suffers like Deadpool. Casting Ryan Reynolds, undoubtedly born to play the role, only serves to make it even more tragic when he is thoroughly ruined in every conceivable way.

Liev Schreiber and Hugh Jackman meet in battle. Horrible, CGI battle.

The actors, although one hesitates to call them that after watching this movie, seemingly all decided to match the level of pure suck established by the film. Only a select few manage to do anything worthwhile. Reynolds, as we said, is fantastic as Deadpool in the first 15 minutes of the film. Another fitting casting choice is Taylor Kitsch as Gambit, who brings charm to the Cajun rogue. Hugh Jackman, of course, is fine, but then he knows how to play Wolverine at this point. He doesn’t do horribly, he just doesn’t do anything great, or even new. The film’s antagonists, Liev Schreiber and Danny Huston, attempt to set a world record in hammy acting.

The action sequences are cartoonish at best. The CGI is terrible and, honestly, looks unfinished in places. This results in a series of absolutely inconsequential fights and explosions which nobody cares about. Much like anything else in this movie.

Wolverine, having just seen X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Credit should go to writers Benioff and Woods, however. Out of all the ways they could have had Wolverine develop amnesia, they went out of their way to give us the dumbest, most nonsensical deus ex machina we’ve seen in years. Kudos.

Final Verdict: X-Men Origins: Wolverine is absolutely, unequivocally horrible. The only person who came close to doing a good job was whoever cast Ryan Reynolds and Taylor Kitsch, with literally every other person working on the film trying their hardest to ruin the X-Men series. They almost did it, too.

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